Summer 2019 was nothing less than a summer of confusion, comparison, and truths.
Somewhere along my way through summer I lost myself. My days were filled with comparison and confusion, a feeling I do not know how to handle. I was confused and worried. Normally, I am able to brush it off and take a nice bath and remind myself of who I am, but this time, nothing I did resulted in anything positive, I’d just cry.
Some weeks all I wanted to do was run and free my mind, but recovering from an injury does not allow me to do that, which, in turn, only made me even more angry. As I looked around everyone seemed to be having the best summer of their lives, except for me. I feel as though my summer was lived behind this big wall in hopes to hide my emotions and my struggle.
Some days I was on cloud nine and I would feel better and feel like Ansley, but those days only lasted until I was alone again. And as humiliating as it is, I would compare even my best days to someone else’s and think that my day was somehow less important, which robbed me of my joy. However, I am beyond grateful for the days where I was with people who made me feel like myself again, because in those moment I was able to laugh and live and see a little light in my darkness.
As I scrolled through Social Media I would become upset and begin to feel alone. I read so many blogs about self-love and self-care, and even created a whole board on Pinterest about it to try to feel better. Everything was saying how beneficial a Social Media Detox was but I was too prideful to give it a try…so I suffered through comparison another week until finally I broke.
21 days ago I broke. 21 days ago all I could say about myself was, “Why am I this way?” I had forgotten who I was so, 21 days ago I deleted all the Social Media apps off my phone and started to tackle the battle of comparison. I started a life-long journey to heal and love myself. I was determined to not let any comparison rob me of my joy again. I decided to take a detox and remind myself of who I was and remind myself of my worth.
I am loved.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I am forgiven.
14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
I am chosen.
1 Peter 2:9
9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;
I am a work in progress.
6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:
Reminding myself of these truths, my days became much more relaxing and much more enjoyable. I went to sleep with a happy heart because I had enjoyed and soaked in every moment of my day. I read books full of truth and dug deep into my heart to fix some root problems to my struggles. With these truths I learned that it is absurd to compare my life with a life I see in squares, perfect presets, and snazzy captions, because my life is my life and it was never meant to be anything like hers. I cannot fulfill my purpose when I am trying to keep up with someone else’s life. Comparison is much like a treadmill; you hustle hard to end up nowhere. I needed to step off the treadmill and become present for those people in my life, and through this three week period of stepping off the treadmill I was able to encourage a friend, which was very uplifting.
So, girl, here’s the thing, it does not matter who loves you and who doesn’t. It does not matter who accepts you and who doesn’t. It does not matter who is farther ahead in the race of life and who isn’t. It does not matter who is your friend and who forgives and who doesn’t, because God covers all of that. He loves you. He accepts you. He forgives you. And He is working on you. So be patient and allow Him to work in you. Your life will not look anything like the girl next to you, but that is okay because you are in the arms of the creator. And in His arms you will ALWAYS be placed exactly where you need to be in life. Don’t beat yourself up when you reach a plateau, instead cling to Him and allow Him to equip you and strengthen you because you will never stop growing and learning.
Always remember you are worthy and you are loved. I love you and so does He. Don’t ever be afraid to reach out for help when you feel lost and unworthy. You matter and life was never meant to be a one-woman show. Hold onto these truths and never forget your why. And when all else fails, go on a detox, drink all the coffee, read a good book, test your baking skills, and help a friend out along the way.